LET’S PLAY PRETEND

He wasn’t my first but he told me I was his. There had been two others before him, not quite deserving but with luck they ate from my clitoral garden. He said he liked me a lot and wanted me in his life, but he was not quite sure if it would work out between us. He said I knew too much for his comfort, that his family would not accept me, at least not wholeheartedly. He said that they would not let him marry me because I wasn’t a virgin. He said that our cultural practices differed and would therefore contradict in the event that we stayed together. He said that our religions differed and because of that his family would not accept me. He said he couldn’t live without his family and thus he would sacrifice his own happiness for their sake. He said he wasn’t ready to fight for love, at least not for my love.

I told him, I had enough love for the both of us; that my family didn’t mind me loving someone from a different tribe, religion or even race! I told him that I was ready to endure anything and everything for him. I told him that anything worth having never comes easy and I was ready to fight for his love, I was ready to fight with the determination of a KDF soldier in the Kenya Somali border. I told him that my family didn’t mind if he was a virgin or not. I told him that I was not ready to let go of him, at least not yet.

He couldn’t look at me. My heart broke. We had just had one hell of a heavenly time together. Between the sheets me and him, my thong down, his fingers doing the walking, his caresses inviting me in, his kisses awakening, delicious and dreamy, I could not get over the fact that his lips were so tender. His warm breath on the nape of my neck, on my skin. Tongues interlocking, my left thigh between his thighs and my right thigh rested gently on his left thigh. My pointed breasts raising and falling with the rhythm of my breath poking his muscular chest. His left hand supporting my neck area as he kissed deep into me. He had awoken things in me that I had not felt in a long time and to tell you the truth, I loved it a lot.

I gave in, surrendered myself completely to him and let him explore my womanhood. He was lost in it too. This one was different, I didn’t want to rush it but the way things happened, I can’t explain how we got here. I forgot about the world, this was not just sex, it was love making, some fucking passionate love making. I had him for dinner, dessert which was extended way into the night and for breakfast. He did not disappoint, he paid attention to every detail of my body, touched all the right places, caressed all the curves, worked on the wet points and rocked me all the way.

I couldn’t mind having him again, this time in a proper place. I knew I was pushing my luck too much because we had not had that conversation, not yet. I had lusted for him for so long, yes I did. He gave me the looks to warrant the attention. I was young, I had just turned 23 years. Fresh out of university.

How he had managed to make me feel like crap and feel like I was in paradise, escaped me. A few hours ago he was salivating, drooling with desire for my goodies. What had changed? He was acting like he had “chips fungad” me just for the night and nothing else. But that was not the impression he had given me. Perhaps I was to blame for not having the ‘talk’ before giving in to his charms. But how could I have resisted him when he had been tormenting my emotions, messing with my feelings for a while now. I wanted him for myself but as it turned out he was not ready to have me in his life.

My low self esteem started knocking wanting to come into my mind and take control of it. I was not about to let it happen. We had been through this a number of times; me and my low self esteem. “Hey Dee?” He taunted.
I looked away as if to let him know that he was not welcomed here today. He was determined to win as usual but I was not about to give in. “You don’t seem to be too happy to see me today Dee? “ he said in a seductive voice, I was tempted to run to him and hug him and just let him take over me and make me feel safe and remind me of the reasons as to why I was not deserving of this handsome man besides me. ..but I couldn’t. I was even more determined than him to have my way with this young man.

“Come on Dee, don’t ignore me like that. You know you are hurting my feelings.” He persisted.

“Hey Diana snap out of it, we can figure a way out of this. To tell you the truth it might not bear fruit at all but at least we can spend time together from time to time, huh!” Moha interrupted my thoughts. I was glad he did, at least now my self esteem will keep quiet and watch me closely trying to find a way in. I had made it clear that he was an uninvited guest today.

I didn’t want Moha just as a pass time, I wanted him forever, till death do us part. I know it sounds crazy, it sounded crazy when I said it to myself. I wanted to please my enchanter, confess of my undying love for him, I wanted to fall to my knees and beg him, and let him know that with me in his life he wouldn’t have to worry, that I would be loyal and would never waver…but my ego would not let me lower my pride. I wasn’t ready to lick my wounds and play the victim again, but I was not ready to beg a man to see my worth either.

He was just like my previous lovers. They were not strong enough to handle a relationship, all they ever wanted was a pass time. How come I never learnt my lesson. Each time I did the same things expecting different results. But I was just following my heart, after all don’t people say that we should follow our hearts? Why was mine leading me to this destination of heartbreaks and being used over and over again. Why didn’t they want to commit to me? Or did I not satisfy them?

As far as I was concerned, I was not so naive in the bedroom, so where was I going wrong? I wanted to open my mouth and express my disappointment to my enchanter but my words betrayed me. They wouldn’t let me echo them to him. I was not surprised, I had never been good at communicating. I was choking with disappointment, heartbreak and tears; but I was not about to cry before him. It would boost his ego, he would feel special if he knew that he had so much power over me. Therefore I chose the easy way out, to walk away from this situation and pretend that it didn’t happen.

I got out of bed, left him there and went to the bathroom. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I hoped he would follow me and apologize and ask me to be his woman. I wished he would come after me and say that he had realized how wrong he was for thinking that things would not work out between us just because we were of different religions and that our cultural practices contradicted. I knew he was right to some extent, was I really ready to convert to a different religion because of love? Was I ready to learn a new culture that was way different from mine? Was I really ready to conform to his expectations of a woman? Was I even ready for marriage?

As much as I felt that he might have been right, I was ready to convince myself otherwise. I was never the type to relent. Whatever I wanted I always made sure I got it, somehow. But love was teaching me a painful lesson, that nothing is fair in love. I turned the shower on, the warm water cascaded down my back gently as If to comfort me. I gave in, I broke down for a moment. I couldn’t quite tell why I was crying, I didn’t understand if it was the sadness, the disappointment, the rejection or the insinuation he had just made, that he couldn’t have a long-term relationship with me but wouldn’t mind having me as a pass time!

I wanted so much to be wrong. How could I have misread his feelings for me? I always thought I was good at reading people’s emotions! The water washed away my tears and I wished it would go away with the pain. I wanted to release myself from him, but how could I when I had just had a night of passion that had changed my life. How could I separate my lust for him from this emotions of hate that was now looming at the corner of my heart? How could I move on from this without getting caught up in what could have been between us?

I felt like screaming my lungs out but I had to contain myself. I scrubbed my body thoroughly, trying so hard to get rid of his caresses that now made me feel dirty. I had hoped for too much, now that all I had hoped for was within my reach, I had just failed to grab it. What would I tell my many friends who I had flossed to about how crazy in love Mohammed and I were? I would be the laughing stock of the town. I wished I had just told the truth, that nothing was really going on between the two of us, at least not anything official.

I had to think of what to do? What would happen when I left that bathroom and go to the other side of the door. Would I just accept my fate, that life had duped me again and pretend that it all never happened or would I just accept to be his pass time knowing too well it would lead nowhere? To tell you the truth, I considered the latter after all he had just tasted the cookie, why not let him have it again? At least that would save me from my nosy gossiping friends. But at what cost? Was I willing to go that far to prove to myself that I could always get that which I desired. There is no winning or losing in love. It was my awakening. Suddenly it dawned on me, that I deserved more than some pity sex! That I deserved true love and not just consolation from a guy who thought I didn’t deserve him.

I realized the importance of saying no. I was not about to let this selfish man have the satisfaction of eating his cake and having it too. As I wiped my body, I knew for sure the exact answer to give. I convinced myself that my heart would heal with time. I walked out the bathroom and walked in, my mind as clear as the light of day on the exact thing to say.
I tried to say it, but I couldn’t find my words. They had betrayed me again.
“N……….n…….n… .yes, dammit!! we can do the pass time thing”, I blurted surprising even myself.